The fading past

My grandfather is slipping away, a little more each day. I setup some chairs in the garage today, and invited him to sit outside with me. I put on big band music and sat with him for some time. He asked me if I knew his son Don, that he was in a band. I explained he was my father, and that I am his grandson.

He laughed, and said "Really?", a big smile on his face.

Grandpa said "Wait here a moment, I want to show you something."

He slowly got up from the chair and made his way into the house, returning shortly after with a small framed picture in his hand.

"Have I ever shown you this picture before?"

He held the picture up to me, it was a photo of him and my grandmother at the beach in Coney Island, New York. Taken some time in the 30's. The two of them in bathing suits, playing in the surf.

"Yes, I've seen that picture, dont you remember? I was the one who took the picture from your wallet and enlarged it for that picture frame?"
"You Did, " he said in disbelief.

Where do the memories go? I realize now that our pasts mean so little, that in the end, it is all just time gone by. It makes me realize how important today, and only in this moment, is anything really of the utmost importance.

Grandmother arrived on the driveway and we were soon dispatched as she made lunch for my grandfather, and after disappeared into their room for an afternoon nap. So greatful am I for the short time I am able to spend with the both of them, as I suspect upon my next visit, nothing will ever be the same.

Florida is my home, I've come to realize, its time to move back home. I don't know how I'll get here yet, but I know it will be soon. There are things in my life in Texas that have come drastically unraveled. It is only through faith that I am able to carry myself through each day. I moved to Texas in order to be closer to my children, but I realize now that a six hour drive from them is just as far as a four hour trip on a jet. I've only seen them two times since moving to Texas, both for a very brief time. It's time to go home and start living my life again, and stop chasing the dreams of my past.

Thanksgiving 2012

Yesterday, Thanksgiving 1012 and I had so much to be grateful for. I spent the day with my grandparents, and was able to celebrate the occasion at a restaurant called Nichole's in Lake Worth Florida.

I walked my grandfather from the parking lot, to the front of the restaurant. We were greeted at the front door by the owner.

"Sir, what name is your party under?" said Nichole. I turned to my grandfather, "What is Rosie's last name grandpa?," I asked. "Rosie, I dont know a Rosie," he responded. "Papa, you have known here for at least 60 years, you dont know her last name?" "What is my last name," I asked. He didn't know. It was then I realized, I was really loosing my grandfather, one drop at a time.

In attendance, Grandma, Grandpa, Aunt Martha, Sheila, Bernice, Rosie and a friend of the cousins. It was great being 45 years younger than anyone at the table. It was not a traditional family dinner, Nichole's had a blue plate 16.95 dinner and everything needed salt. We had a big long table for eight but for some reason Rosie insisted we move tables. We were reseated at a round table next to the wall, one much too small for our group. We were elbow to elbow, good that none of us were left handed.

The banter around the table was politics. My Florida family are staunch democrats, so in part the conversation was celebration of President Obama's victory over Governor Romney. I imagine part of my gratitude is they have all survived another years so that I might celebrate with them. That they lived through out the year without killing each other is a small miracle.

In the name of community I drove everyone home that night. I returned home and reflected on the evening. I gave thanks to the Lord for the day. I gave thanks for my life. I gave thanks for my family and the chance to see them one more time.

Blogging Again

Its been a long time since I last wrote anything in my blog. There have been many who have encouraged me to start blogging again, so here goes. Consider this entry a page break between the past and the future.

Been a While

It's been almost a year since I've posted anything, so here goes. Tarpon Ice House, Port Aransas Texas, drinking diet Coke and watching the gin mill.

Let it Roll Baby Roll

I spend three months looking for a Job
In Texas and leave, three months after that, I'm being flown to texas, to interview for a job, and maybe move
To Texas. Wow ... Strange world

Where To?

The question of the day is, "Where do I go from here." I'm pretty undecided what happens from here on out. I've applied for countless jobs in this area and have yet to receive even a question or phone interview. I've applied for jobs mopping floors and nobody seems interested. It's getting awful expensive, and I dont know if I can stay here for much longer. I was going to leave for the east coast on Monday, I just couldnt bring myself in leaving my kids though. Short of a miricle, I will have to leave next week, I cant afford staying in a hotel anymore and cant bring myself back to living in my van.

Luke 14:26-27

26“If anyone comes to me and does not hate his father and mother, his wife and children, his brothers and sisters—yes, even his own life—he cannot be my disciple. 27And anyone who does not carry his cross and follow me cannot be my disciple. 

This week I had much put on my heart when it comes to this verse. What Jesus is saying is, if your not willing to lay it all on the line to follow me, then you cannot be a disciple. What this means is, I've been chasing all the wrong things. I need to put my focus 100% upon Jesus and follow him, everything else will then fall into where God wants them to be. This means God comes first, before anyone, including my children.

As the week goes on, more will be revealed.

Imagine A Puddle

 ... imagine a puddle waking up one morning and thinking, 'This is an interesting world I find myself in - an interesting hole I find myself in - fits me rather neatly, doesn't it? In fact it fits me staggeringly well, must have been made to have me in it!' This is such a powerful idea that as the sun rises in the sky and the air heats up and as, gradually, the puddle gets smaller and smaller, it's still frantically hanging on to the notion that everything's going to be alright, because this world was meant to have him in it, was built to have him in it; so the moment he disappears catches him rather by surprise. Douglas Adams

Going It Alone - Isn't so bad

When I describe myself, I often give the analogy that I'm "Alone in a crowd." I have never felt as if I belonged, always uncomfortable in my own skin. This however is the part of my life, where I really am, for the most part, alone. Within a days driving, I have no one I've called "Friend". This is hostel territory is behind enemy lines. The only adults I know, despise me. I've done a pretty good job flying below the radar over the last 20 years. I've not been the target of anyone's hate. it's only now that I realize, there are people here who now love to hate me. The same people who said, "I will never leave you" and "No matter what happens, we will always love you". The interesting thing is, that I've been sufficiently beaten down, that I don't care. I realize for what might be the first time, I'm better than that. I deserve to be treated better, and I am not going back to the days of being a victim. When it comes to life today, If I allow someone to treat me poorly, then I am a volunteer.

Been a While

Its been a few days since I've posted anything, perhaps in part because I've not had much new going on. It's amazing but even the homeless get into a routine and busy, well at least this one. Time to turn up the heat a notch or two I guess. Hopeful more later today, with some more substance. :-)

Moon over the Perimeter

The perfect moon, fills the empty sky. Out here on the perimeter, what is truth is often times not far from the lie. Reaching shadows, cast doubt along the brightly lit gravel. This is the road to nowhere, the sign screams "Dead End" as the dream unravels.

They said I need to let you go,
Turn around, detour, move on or loose your soul.
I'm just an empty reflection of the one you know.

How can anyone love me,
if I dont care for myself.
Who's going to love me,
When I don't want anyone else.