Where To?

The question of the day is, "Where do I go from here." I'm pretty undecided what happens from here on out. I've applied for countless jobs in this area and have yet to receive even a question or phone interview. I've applied for jobs mopping floors and nobody seems interested. It's getting awful expensive, and I dont know if I can stay here for much longer. I was going to leave for the east coast on Monday, I just couldnt bring myself in leaving my kids though. Short of a miricle, I will have to leave next week, I cant afford staying in a hotel anymore and cant bring myself back to living in my van.

Luke 14:26-27

26“If anyone comes to me and does not hate his father and mother, his wife and children, his brothers and sisters—yes, even his own life—he cannot be my disciple. 27And anyone who does not carry his cross and follow me cannot be my disciple. 

This week I had much put on my heart when it comes to this verse. What Jesus is saying is, if your not willing to lay it all on the line to follow me, then you cannot be a disciple. What this means is, I've been chasing all the wrong things. I need to put my focus 100% upon Jesus and follow him, everything else will then fall into where God wants them to be. This means God comes first, before anyone, including my children.

As the week goes on, more will be revealed.

Imagine A Puddle

 ... imagine a puddle waking up one morning and thinking, 'This is an interesting world I find myself in - an interesting hole I find myself in - fits me rather neatly, doesn't it? In fact it fits me staggeringly well, must have been made to have me in it!' This is such a powerful idea that as the sun rises in the sky and the air heats up and as, gradually, the puddle gets smaller and smaller, it's still frantically hanging on to the notion that everything's going to be alright, because this world was meant to have him in it, was built to have him in it; so the moment he disappears catches him rather by surprise. Douglas Adams

Going It Alone - Isn't so bad

When I describe myself, I often give the analogy that I'm "Alone in a crowd." I have never felt as if I belonged, always uncomfortable in my own skin. This however is the part of my life, where I really am, for the most part, alone. Within a days driving, I have no one I've called "Friend". This is hostel territory is behind enemy lines. The only adults I know, despise me. I've done a pretty good job flying below the radar over the last 20 years. I've not been the target of anyone's hate. it's only now that I realize, there are people here who now love to hate me. The same people who said, "I will never leave you" and "No matter what happens, we will always love you". The interesting thing is, that I've been sufficiently beaten down, that I don't care. I realize for what might be the first time, I'm better than that. I deserve to be treated better, and I am not going back to the days of being a victim. When it comes to life today, If I allow someone to treat me poorly, then I am a volunteer.

Been a While

Its been a few days since I've posted anything, perhaps in part because I've not had much new going on. It's amazing but even the homeless get into a routine and busy, well at least this one. Time to turn up the heat a notch or two I guess. Hopeful more later today, with some more substance. :-)

Moon over the Perimeter

The perfect moon, fills the empty sky. Out here on the perimeter, what is truth is often times not far from the lie. Reaching shadows, cast doubt along the brightly lit gravel. This is the road to nowhere, the sign screams "Dead End" as the dream unravels.

They said I need to let you go,
Turn around, detour, move on or loose your soul.
I'm just an empty reflection of the one you know.

How can anyone love me,
if I dont care for myself.
Who's going to love me,
When I don't want anyone else.

God Speaks Through Other People

I had almost completed a blog post for the day, when suddenly, the topic rightfully changed from one of wallowing pity, to that of faith and hope.

I am my own worse critic, especially when it's a radical life changing event. I questioned my decision in driving out here to Texas, try and find work, and be a part of my children's daily lives. Maybe this was not the right time. Is this God's will for me? Maybe I wasn't quiet enough when I though God was speaking. I should be living my life. I've proved my point already. Urban camping is just too hard. Maybe I'm crazy. I received a note, from a friend today, and this is what it said:

"I was thinking about our conversation the other night, I think this is the time in your life that you are supposed to have faith in what you are doing is right. Remember it's on God schedule not yours...and when it seems that you are going to break, he will bring you through this somehow some way....I am praying for you."

Knowing what went into "Our Conversation the other night", understanding where this person was coming from, I can only say, this was totally God speaking through other people. It's reaffirming when someone gives advice that is totally selfless, with love. A message that cuts through all the noise, and gets right down to good honest Godly direction.

Camping in the City

Camping doesn't necessarily have to be out in the woods somewhere, with some imagination, some might call homeless, but I refer to as, "Urban Camping." I'm thinking at this point in putting together a guide, maybe call it "Urban Camping on a Shoe String". Where to shower, get something to eat, the best places to use a clean restroom, etc etc etc. Im going start giving this some thought. I need to focus on a paticular topic for my next project, and what better than something I've intimately been a part.

The Road - El Camino

The English translation of El Camino, is "The Road," something at this point, I have become all too familiar. I've been out on the Highway, at night now for five days now, with no end in sight.

My stay at the El Camino Motel, will always remind me of a time that I will want to never have to revisit. Room 15 was by far, the most disgusting place I've ever stayed. I opened the door, and the overpowering odor of countless old cigarettes, filled my nose. The dark green carpet is full of wear marks, large black stains. I can feel my feet sticking to it as I walk across the floor. The walls are painted institutional green, a single mirror is mounted to the wall, a ripped office chair leans back, underneath. The headboard of the bed is bolted to the wall, in the upper left hand corner, a large brown stain, is that blood? Peering into the tiny bathroom, a pink tiled bath has a shower head encrusted in ages old mineral salts. I've stayed in better places in third world countries, by far.

By midnight, I am convinced that my chances would have been better out on the road. The constant traffic to the two rooms next door is prostitution or drug trafficking,  or all I can figure. Every car that pulls in, soon leaves, never to return. Somewhere around 3:30am, there are screams outside in the parking lot, a bang against the wall, then silence.  Twenty minutes later, red and blue flashing lights play across the ceiling, I roll over and at first cover my head with the pillow, toss it aside in disgust, one can only wonder where it has been. I cant breath, allergies run rampant.

The Sun is up; I thank God. Before I hit the floor and go shower, I put on my flip flops, I'm wearing them as long as I touch this floor as well as in the shower and will put on shoes, once I'm in the car.

In Church, I thank God for keeping me safe last night in El Camino, another night on, "The Road".

Big Boy Pants

I've spent the good part of my life, acting like a little boy. I was selfish and self-centered. I allowed fear to control my every decision, to drive my procrastination. I wanted everyone to like me, and thus, cared what other people thought about me. I had a hole in my soul, that only things like alcohol seemed to temporarily fill. I gravitated to abusive relationships and shallow friends, who were not really interested in me, but for what was in "It" for them. I lived a life as a phony. I demanded from God, what I wanted, and was thankless for the things I was given, things I needed. I was a selfish Prick.

Today, I am living out the consequences, I am reaping what I sowed. I would not however, trade my life today, for the one in my past, if I the requirement necessary, is returning to who I once was.

Now, when I say that I'm going to do something, you can count on me showing up. When I wake up in the morning, I am grateful for the new day and for what God has given me, what I need in glorifying him. I no longer want anyone to take care of me, rather I strive in trying help others in finding a this new way of life. I put on my Big Boy Pants, and today I can handle anything Life put's in my path, with gratitude.

Fresh On The Road

On the road, there are a few options in having some comforts of home. One would be getting a hotel room, working my way down the list:

1. Hotel Room
2. Motel Room
3. Cheep Motel Room
4. KOA Camp Ground
5. Independent Camp Ground

Then comes the Truck Stop, which more or less equals sleeping in the car/truck/van/camper, though a little know secret to these commerce service centers is, you get a shower relatively cheep. I've heard the jokes, "Don't Bend over if you drop the soap," and other comments, and unfounded. Here is how it works:

1. Pay a fee, usually 8.00 - 12.00
2. Take the receipt and wait for your customer number to be called and posted on the monitor.
3. When called, it will indicate to which shower you should report.
4. Much like a self service car wash, one punches in a code, which unlocks the shower door.

Inside the shower room, you will find what one might compare to an ultra small hotel room. There is a toilet, mirror, sink, bench, a clean wash cloth and towel, a new bar of soap, and the shower. There are no time limits, so one can spend as long as you might like in nice hot water, works wonders out of muscles sore after a many miles ride, or in my case, sleeping on a third bench seat in the back of a van.