Golden Flames from the Center of My Universe

So very tired, life does show up, and sticks around, and tells me lies. So very tired, when I see those with so many years, unhappy, living their wildest dream. Not realizing they have no clue what they say. So me the way, tell me what happened yesterday, how you hurt yourself, to see if you could still feel. What did you do about it? There had to be more than 12 simple steps, because in those steps, one recovers, but I can’t in them find how to start over, and learn to live.

I believed if I lost everything, I was free to do anything. It’s strange, in being clean, my world has fallen apart. I’m not living life behind my wildest dreams. I’m told I have a choice, that I can make my day whatever I choose. In some ways, for a while Captain Jack did that for me, he took me to that special Island, but it truthfully was a ride to nowhere. So what now, as I run out of reasons I find value in living? What now, my six sense has returned, one that baffles and scares me and can’t talk about, because nobody believes me.

 I ask one thing, before you give advice, walk yourself through it, if you haven’t already, and then damn it, why are you giving advice. I need to know, does it get better? Really? The only guarantee is if I still with it, I will never have to be as sick again. It tells me to reach out, yet what good am I If I can’t find it in me to love myself. Where do I look? I’m willing, I’m teachable, I’m desperate, I have clean time, am I in exactly the right place I should be, well guess what, “IT FUCKEN SUCKS.” I could end it all tonight, and not give a second thought. The shrink isn’t working, the Legal system is punishing me. I have more attorneys now then I had when I was using. My life sucks more, now that I’m clean. I’m isolated thousands of miles from home, from my support, my love, and my friends. I’m isolated on a desert Island, for some reason, not making friends, something I’ve never had a problem doing, and it’s been well over a year? What the hell happened, Get sober and be more miserable then when using is what this madness is telling me.

Enough, off my soap box, I so need a hero … and I so need to be doing what God “I think,” is calling me to do. I am no longer banging on the doors that were closed, yet there are no doors opened, I’m wandering around in the desert. As God has yet to see he has taken me out of Egypt, yet he’s not taken the Egyptian out of me. Then only can I enter Canaan.

I don’t know how, every morning, I put on the big boy pants, I go to a dangerous job, with a team of miserable people. I’m verbally abused, by a member of AA, who I can only assume needs a  fucken drink, because after 20 years if I’m that damned miserable, you can take this program, hell all 12 step programs, and God Bless you if they work for you. If I’m that miserable, I’m not sure I’ll mind dying dirty. I’ve been divorced,  now being sued by the same woman for more, been to Jail (Still trying to figure that one out) for doing anything but told “The Right Thing”, and a  year of near total isolation. Yet here I still am, working a program, doing the best I can, and the shit just piles on.

Sorry, I needed an avenue to vent, a place to put words, a moment of interruption,
 

‘What have I become

My sweetest friend

Everyone I know goes away

In the end

And you could have it all

My empire of dirt

I will let you down

I will make you hurt

 

I wear this crown of thorns

Upon my liar's chair

Full of broken thoughts

I cannot repair

Beneath the stains of time

The feelings disappear

You are someone else

I am still right here

 

What have I become

My sweetest friend

Everyone I know goes away

In the end

And you could have it all

My empire of dirt

I will let you down

I will make you hurt

 

If I could start again

A million miles away

I would keep myself

I would find a way”  -Nine Inch Nails” and one of the last covers ever by “Johnny Cash.”