Four decades, and I'm just now, starting to like me. Its been a lifetime of needing to have the acceptance of others, for them to like me. All of this at the expense of having to be someone or do things that are not of the person I am.
The answer is so simple, yet it's taken so much to understand just a few philosophies. The top :
"It's none of my business what other people think of me"
"Its none of my business what or how another person is running their life, as long as it's not harming someone else, and even in that case, unless it's a loved one that's being hurt, not my concern"Get
"I had better slow my role" Which means, slow the fuck down. I make a mess of things in the vain attempt to do it all at once. It can wait, not procrastination but patients
"There is a God, and it's not me"
"Getting high makes me feel better, because nothing matters, but it doesn't fix a thing, It's still there when I come down, all the while the drug destroys me. Oh, and those little problems, that don't go away, by the time I come down, they have worked up into a Giant Shit Storm, and the answer, get high again ...
Its a shitty job, but its a job! Its a job 1/2 the world would give their right hand to have and in even being blessed with it, I curse the blessing
There are good people in the world. Not everyone is out to screw me over. I bring it upon myself, in seeking out people who are as screwed up as, or worse, for the most part, to make me feel better about myself. No wonder it seems like everyone in the world is out to get me, I invited them.
Stop and think, "What is my part in this" just about every bad thing that's ever happened, I played a part. There might be a clue in there somewhere, of what NOT to do next time.
I can say No! If I believe that its none of my business what other people think of me, then what's the issue here. It's my responsibility, God gave me a brain, and that voice in my head that says, NO say NO.
Miracles are all around me, they happen every day, and I take them for granted, because of my feeling I deserve it. The truth is I'm not entitled to anything. All I have to look up at the sky on a cloudless dark night, look off into the endless universe and realize, I'm a tiny speck and not a thing revolves around me. Look for the blessings. Find the miracles, they are there if you look, right under my nose. I learned to call it luck. I called it, deserve.
I need to have a dream, and then do something in trying to obtain it, otherwise its not a dream at all, its just talk.
Learn to spot, and Call Myself on MY OWN BULLSHIT! No need to wait for others to notice.
I DONT NEED ANYONE TO BE OK! I AM OK, I am what I make it. The only need is to be there for others, up and until the point, its apparent, they should be helping themselves, at that point, their using me. and that's when, No More again, applies.
Nobody ever deserves or should allow themselves to be abused or used by others.
I'm not perfect, but I'm earnestly trying, in treating people the way I want to be treated.
Pattern of bad relationships and abuse, well again, what is my part in it, uh Pete did you ever think that those are the people you attracted? Stop already.
I've got someone wonderful in my life, stop looking for the flaws, the catch, the hidden agenda. Could it be there there is a right person, one who is not going to treat me like a welcome matt. Stop trying to chase her away. You chased all the bad ones, and now you don't know what to do when you find the one that doesn't need chasing, so you try and chase them away, what's my part in that? Have a just a little faith, your not chasing, they are running, she see's things in me, that I've not yet, seen in myself. She believes in me, where I have yet to even begun to see. Someone believes in me and is willing to risk it all, I mean really, there is something much larger than myself directing the show.
Its ok that good things happen, important I recognize them, and call them what they are, blessings. Bad things happen, what was my part and what can I learn?
There are some roads you go down alone. It's ok, because if your ok with you, then you have good company.
I'm not as messed up as I allowed people to convince me I was, rather the opposite, and I'm free to be me.
I don't have to keep running, with acceptance, comes peace.
Home is where I say it is
Im not chasing loved ones, family and friends, they know where I am, the phone goes both ways, the road goes both ways, its me, not them with the issues of abandonment. Im ri. ght here, and my door is always open, come see me. If you don't, well then call, and if not, why am I all banged up about a person that has no time for me in the first place.
If Im ok with Me, and that awesome powerful creator of everything is at the wheel, why cant I kick back and slow my role. Your right Beanie, slow my role ... Its meaning keeps right on growing.
Today, the best friends I have, the ones with the qualities I want and need, have walked that road, the one that brings you to the brink and back, because obviously, they have been there.
Its my job today, to be available to those you reach out in earnest, but step away from those who are not ready. Those who are not ready Pete, they are not ready and its not your job to make them ready, only to be there when they are.
Let go of those people in your past that don't matter, and hold dearly to those who along with you, on the journey, those who are earnestly seeking. Those who are not ready, I'll only enable to stay down in that hole.
learn ... NO DO listen to that voice in your head, listen and obey, discerning the spirit is a gift you have Pete. You can see in colors other cannot, use them. Use your "Sixth Sense" the nobody believes you have, because you gave all your attention to selfishly wanting everyone to like you, you know its there, you know how to use it, stop ignoring it and use it. It will guide you, call it the Holy Spirit, because you know it is.
STOP PEOPLE PLEASING STOP PEOPLE PLEASING, you know the difference now between being a decent human, and being a loving kind, generous person and PEOPLE PLEASING, STOP IT! Its really not so hard, when your ok with you.
It's becoming so clear, it all, each and everyone, comes back to being ok with me ..... it all comes down to being ok with who I am, and learning to love the good things about me, and the willingness to earnestly work on those things that need change.
I've got a whole new life ahead of me, and it starts today, and involves only today, because its what I have. I cannot change anyone but myself, so stop giving the great advise. Actions speak louder than words.
If you say your going to do something, then you had better darn well do it, or have an honest answer as to why things didn't go the way you promised.
The saying, your not unique, is right in some ways, but not being unique, doesn't mean I'm not special.
